Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Re-Thinking Unromantic

I won't be around here much. We've got so much going on it's really hard to keep up with every day life, much less a blog.

Elaine and Jensen managed to catch a cold/cough (don't worry, not the scary one going around) so we ended up having to miss Church on Sunday. I really wanted to go but the twins are too young to sit through service and I was not going to expose any other kids by putting them in the care center.

Rob is loving his men's group. We're reading his book together now because Rob has a lot on his plate and I can read a chapter in under an hour. I'm really enjoying it. Great bonding time and discussion time. It's really changing the way I think and feel about God too, and I like it. I feel like it's becoming easier to form a relationship with Him.

First homeschooling meeting is tomorrow and I am excited to see if we will be able to participate this year. If not Rob met a nice guy in his men's group and got me in touch with his wife. Their oldest is 4, then they have a 2 year old and a newborn. She told me last year kids under 5 were not allowed on a lot of the trips and if that happens again me and her can go out on field trips together instead. I am really hoping it works out to have us be able to do the Church group, but I am very thankful if not I will still be able to get the kids out and have them hang out with kids who don't share DNA with them! ;)

Speaking of homeschooling we're on day 3 today! After a rough first day (bare in mind we've been doing writing and basics for months now, but this is our first time with work books and a set sit down time with focused learning) in which my perfectionist child broke down several times so disappointed in himself that his lines were not as straight as the ones in the book, we came back with an amazing day 2! This week we're working on the letter I as per the book's instructions. At the end of our day 2 this was my big boy so proud of how well he did and with no break downs!

We are so proud of him!

In some personal news my body did something on it's own it hasn't been able to do since June 2013. Yes, over a year. It's been really exciting to get a glimmer of hope that my body is not irreparably broken.

And I know I posted a bit ago about Rob not being very romantic. He really took our discussion to heart and did this last night:

Yep my awesome husband bought me a wedding band I'd been eyeing for awhile, a beautiful and amazing smelling bouquet, and some red vines that I've been craving (and haven't eaten since I lived in Oregon!). I love him so much, and his ability to surprise me even after all this time.

Hope all my readers out there are having a wonderful start of the school year, and that life is blessing you in the most amazing and unexpected ways!

Hit rewind
Click delete
Stand face to face with the younger me
All of the mistakes
All of the heartbreak
Here's what I'd do differently

I'd love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on You

Friday, September 5, 2014

First Week Of Homeschooling?

Just a quick post to let you know we did not start homeschooling this week!

Jensen spent Monday in the hospital, and while he is FINE, he's had some stress issues about it since (not the hospital, he loved it. Wore his hospital gown for 24 hours at home, and wouldn't let us cut off his hospital bracelet until Friday night after being bribed with a cookie!), but from the injury so I didn't want to jump right into school.

Jensen is a perfectionist. He does not like to be told he got it wrong. He get easily frustrating if he feels like he just can't get it. To be honest I am not entirely sure he's ready for school emotionally but we're going to try it and see how it goes.

He's starting to learn how to write his letters, and he loves working with flash cards, so I imagine we're going to start there and not jump into the books just yet. Like his dad and my dad, he is great at math. Numbers are far easier for him to handle then letters. He's so smart and inquisitive. I think I am going to really love being his teacher.

So Monday is our first day, and I will likely give an update then.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Healing The Past

Sunday was probably my least favorite sermon so far. It just didn't apply to us and frankly that part of scripture always really irritates me.

It was based around pictures in your wedding album, and how you could learn from those messages to strengthen your marriage. (I have a wedding album, but we didn't have a traditional wedding so none of the photo examples applied to us).

Married in my mom's living room.

The big reason the service just didn't feel right to me was because of much of the message was about not withholding sex, and using sex to strengthen a marriage.

I don't withhold sex, but to be honest we don't really have any rough patches or disagreements that last longer then a day so there isn't an extended period of time where I don't want to be intimate with my husband. Sex is most definitely not an issue in my marriage. Even after trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years, our sex life has never suffered. We definitely don't have an issue there!

However I really don't like those parts of scripture for a big reason. They were written under the context of the marriage being with a Godly and respectful man. And let's face it, not all men out there today are. So many men twist the words until it reads like rape. The woman must submit and please him and wholly give her body to him and never withhold, but he needs not do anything in return.

That's not what the bible says, at all. But that's how it gets twisted and I see so many stories of women feeling like they HAD to have sex, even when they felt frightened, and those feelings are akin to rape in so many women.

Certainly most men don't want to think that they have raped their spouse, but it happens. Women are taught so often to just submit always. And because we love our spouses we do, at the suffering of our mental and emotional well being. This is not what God wanted, and not what the bible intends.

But it's a common story.

One of the most life changing things I have ever heard was this:

"If you are trusting this person enough to sleep with them, enough to marry them and spend your life with them, why do you not trust them enough to say, 'move over a little to the left'"

As in, if this is the person you choose to share your body with, and trust enough to marry, then why do you not trust them enough to be able to tell them what makes you feel good intimately? And more importantly, when it doesn't feel good, and when you don't want it?

It all comes back to the need to communicate and open up with each other. A truly respectful and loving husband, or significant other, will listen to you, and support you. And move over a little to the left!

2. Cutting out things that drive us apart is hard. I feel I have in my life. I've removed friends who spoke poorly of my husband or whom I found out were asking people behind my back if he was really as wonderful in person as I said. Even removing family whom I found were spreading rumors about my husband and my marriage.

But a big thing driving us apart is still in our life, because it's not my decision to cut them out. It's my husband's.

They not only try to force me out by being extremely cruel, they flat out tell him that he needs to divorce me and abandon our kids. After the last incident he made them apologize to my face, and since then they haven't wanted to come over. I found out yesterday that's because they are telling people we said they aren't welcome here. When the truth is we've been inviting them over (despite my personally wishing they'd find the nearest cliff).

The discussion of this last night ended in a confession, from me and from Rob.

I said, "You know sometimes I DO want to leave you. Just to get THEM out of my life and get away from their constant cruelty and abuse. Every time they break my heart I try to go in and fix things, only to hear they are still talking shit about me behind my back and spreading rumors. I am tired of having to smile when they come over to my house so they don't have any ammo to use against me, only for them to completely make things up. Sometimes it's exhausting and since you won't cut them out I do wonder if it's worth it in those hard times."

Rob responds with, "I know. I know that. That's why sometimes it's hard for me to put the effort into us. Because I am so afraid you're just going to leave me. I put so much effort into past relationships and they crushed me. And I am afraid that will happen again."

Now let me explain this, Rob is extremely sweet, a hard working, and a dedicated husband. When things are hard he is the one going it's not over, we're working through this. He is my rock.

But he's not the most romantic guy you could ever meet. Sweet yes, a romantic... not so much lol. He doesn't make birthday plans, he doesn't buy birthday gifts, and he forgets Mother's Day every year. He's slightly better at Christmas time, but we've had some rough years.

It's not something many people know about because to me it's not really anything to complain about. I accept that he's never going to scatter roses and light candles. This doesn't mean he doesn't love me and can't be very sweet and thoughtful, it's just not a Hollywood movie up in here. And that's ok.

But I was very saddened that he was so hurt in the past, and so scared about me leaving. I replied with a smile, "After 6 years, 3 kids, everything we have gone through, if you're parents aren't enough to chase me off, what makes you think anything YOU do will?"

Sometimes the hurts of the past are really hard to move beyond.

More importantly then sharing your body, which is I think something men tend to naturally think helps support the marriage, you need to be sharing your heart. Even the hard things to say. Even the scary things to think about.

So no disrespect to my lovely church and the wonderful pastor, but Sunday was not my favorite service, and that's not my favorite part of the bible. But we are still thankful for it, and the discussion and confessions it brought on. Today we are a little closer, a little more in love, and a little stronger for it.

Friday, August 29, 2014

For My Birthday

My friends are posting pictures of newborns.

I'm posting pictures of our memorial item that just arrived for our 8 angels in Heaven.

God give me strength. I know You're with me.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Life Is Happening

Sunday was my due date, it also marked 4 months since our last miscarriage.

I did not want to go to church on such an emotional day, but I am so glad I did.

They brought in a comedian and they talked about the importance of friendship and bonds. We laughed so hard we cried and ended up signing up for 2 groups, and will likely go on to sign up for more.

I signed up for a homeschooling group and I am so excited about. Local moms who homeschool, they arrange community service, field trips, get togethers, lots of support. It's exactly what I have been searching for! Jensen starts homeschooling on September 1st and our first meeting is September 11th.

Rob signed up for a men's group. They will meet once a week and read a book together. They had a little video explaining the start of it and the guy who started the group said word for word what Rob has been saying about not being able to make friends here. "I don't drink, I'm not into sports, I have nothing in common with anyone."

Both of us just looked at each other in shock. I'm so excited for him to go meet some like minded men in the community!

Rob's also into his second week of classes and he's doing just amazing. I am so proud of how hard he works. He is working full time, going to school, and now taking on meetings with a group of men from our church.

We're both very excited and life is going really well here, well other then the obvious shadow of infertility and grief.

I wish all this was happening to us while I was still pregnant with Josiah. I would have been almost in the 3rd trimester by now.

But I'm glad we've got some very lovely and positive things going for us right now.
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