Thursday, July 17, 2014

I Am Saved

Wow. I don't even know what to say really.

Yesterday was a little crazy.

I was cleaning all day, trying to get all the kids bathed and presentable for Church. Rob kept telling me it wouldn't be formal but I just didn't want us to show up looking all frumpy. Which yes, is my normal.

The kids were being awesome. During snack time I asked if they wanted fruit or veggies and they asked for veggies, and at dinner I made chicken burgers, tots, and salad, and the kids all refused to eat everything but the salad. The boys ate their tots but Lainey only wanted salad. It took a lot of coaxing to get them to at least eat half their burger and get some protein in.

We got them dressed and we were running late! We showed up a few minutes after 6:30, which is when the service starts, and we still had to get them set up in the children's rooms.

I had thought the kids would be allowed to be together. I had been telling the kids about this night for days, that they would not be with mommy and daddy but we would be in the building and there would be other kids they could play with like at a playground. Jensen got it and was excited, the twins on the other hand were completely unprepared.

They took down our info, the kids info, and informed us the twins would be downstairs, but the Jensen would go upstairs.

First thing when we open the 2 year old's room door is a screaming baby tries to run out. Jensen waltzes right in but the twins are immediately nervous. Then a caregiver comes up and grabs Elaine right off, not even a word hello to her. I am in shock and Elaine breaks down and starts reaching for me. We tell Jensen this is not his room and he has to come out and Blake just loses it. They pull the twins in and close the door. Leaving both me and the twins very traumatized.

In my mind I was screaming WAIT! They've never been away from me, you can't just grab them and shut the door like that! I didn't want to stress them out anymore by showing them how upset I was. So I told Rob to go drop off Jensen in his classroom and I waited outside the door for 5 minutes.

When one of them noticed she encouraged me to go to service, telling me they would call for me if they couldn't calm the kids down. But I could still hear Blake crying and I didn't want to walk away.

I knew in my heart in the long run it would be good for us. We can't live in our little bubble of us forever, they need to learn to be without me and other kids. Especially as a home schooling family, they won't have daily excursions away from me.

I never saw Jensen's classroom. Rob dropped him off and picked him up while I rushed to the twins. I could not get Rob out of service fast enough. But I am skipping ahead.

We have been to several churches since living here, but only to events, only to kind of tour them. This was my first service.

After we lost the last baby I reached out to this Church and they instantly got back to us. But making the step to go was hard. I can't pinpoint why, but it was. We put it off, put it off, put it off.

Then Sunday when yet again we put it off, we said nope, Wednesday we are going for sure. Tuesday I went to check what time service started and saw what the message would be:

Why Do I Not Always Feel God's Presence?

It was something I had been thinking on a lot lately. Not where was God, but why could I not feel him?

But still, my stomach was in knots as we stepped in.

I had wanted a seat in the back, not to try to hide or anything, but because I was so sure with a drop off like that we'd be seeing the kids' name and number up on the screen and I would have to leave and get them.

We came in late so they were on their last song, the last half of it, and a woman instantly approached us and directed us to sit... front and center. It was the second row but yeah, we had to walk up through everyone and go sit in the front. I was like awesome, everyone will know it's my kids when their name shows up lol.

Now I won't go into tons of details because anyone who has been to church knows the general protocol and anyone who hasn't probably doesn't want to know, but let me just say there is a part at the end where they ask if anyone wants to confess their sins and be saved, either for the first time or again.

Once more, I have never been to Church before, so I have never done any confessions. Rob hasn't been in years. We were both nervous, but even as I thought I am not raising my hand, up it went. Once up I was like ok, second row, locking eyes with the Pastor, can't back out now lol.

So I stood. The entire congregation said the words as one, and I was saved.

And I cried a lot. Good job not putting on eye liner past self.

As it ended Rob meandered his way out and I just wanted to go check on the kids. I could not believe we made it through the hour service without being called.

It felt good. Rob could not believe I stood up. I am extremely shy. To stand up in front of all those people, in the second row, was not easy for me.

We got the kids and they informed Rob Jensen had had an issue with the puppets and they had had to remove him from the classroom because he started hysterically screaming when he saw them. That's my boy. He didn't tell me much other then that they watched vegetables (Veggie Tales) and he got cookies (animal crackers) and that he never wanted to go back lol.

The twins were a similar tale. They did stop crying but Blake refused to leave his spot right next to the door. The entire hour he waited for me and even refused the cookies, but he did accept the toy car. Elaine they said they were able to coax out with the cookies and she was fine. Yup, sounds like our Lainey.

We took them out for a real cookie after that, and told them how proud of them we were. Despite the rocky start we will be going again before making any permanent decisions. Like I said above, I think this will be good for all of us.

That night I dug into Inconceivable.

In 4 hours I was on page 245 and I had to put it down and go to bed. But that book, if you have never read it, is heartbreaking. I have mentioned Carolyn Savage here before. They went through 5 miscarriages for the duration of the book, and all those memories of that horrible April 22nd night came back up.

I ended up sobbing harder then I have in the weeks since we lost the baby. It was like it was that night all over again.

It woke Rob and he held me. He asked me what was wrong, I choked out, "They've all moved on, nobody cares. But his heart was beating, he was alive, he was real. And I miss him so much."

I wanted him to pray for me but I couldn't find the words to ask. He didn't need me to say it though, he start to pray for me. We prayed for all our babies in Heaven, for God to let them know we loved and missed them. Then he prayed for peace for me, and for me to be able to get some sleep and face tomorrow.

I love my husband. I could never doubt there was a God, when who else could have matched two more unlikely people so perfectly?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Kiddo Update

We missed Jensen's appointment and awesome mom that I am I keep forgetting to reschedule it. Sigh.

But I'm sure he's grown because now he is in 2T pants and shirts lol.

His counting is so so great. He is counting everything all the time and he loves to make up stories to tell us now. He definitely got my imagination!

Blake's language has exploded and he is talking so so much now. He's even started singing song lyrics. He is my little music baby. He loves to come sing with mama.

Elaine is getting hard core into skirts. Heaven help the fool who tells her she can't wear one. The attitude on this child is astounding. She's still our little mama though, always the first to offer hugs and kisses when someone gets a boo boo.

We're taking them to see the new Planes movie this Friday and we're all so excited. Jensen has been talking about this for months. He knows it's this week and every time we get in the car he asks if we're going to the movies.

It's been a fun, but hot, summer and I can't wait for the fun the second half brings! :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


Sorry I left my blog on that note. I really wasn't completely shattered. I was just very surprised to be upset at all.

It's just that since then, I've had nothing to talk about.

We've been laying low here, trying to focus on getting things done around the house.

We ordered some wall decals for the kids' room but we had to repaint the walls first and we didn't realize until the wall decals got here you have to wait 3 weeks before putting them on fresh paint. Since we do have to worry about little mischief makers pulling them off the wall we're going to abide by that 3 week rule!

I also ordered some new supplements (one refill and one addition) and got some new books. And then there was this one purchase that I swore I'd never buy (not the item itself but what it represents to us) but I couldn't help it. Hopefully one day we will get to use it.

Basically I've been doing a lot of shopping lol. Including a grocery haul tonight:

Yay food.

Today I cooked red beans and rice for the first time. It's a relatively easy meal to make, however I have never even eaten it before, so I just had no idea how to do it and the 3 people I asked for instructions all gave me different cooking directions... But it's one of Rob's favorites and he told me it turned out pretty good so it's a win!

My stomach was not a fan. But that wasn't surprising since I can't seem to tolerate any kind of Cajun food lol.

We're headed to a new church tomorrow night so wish us luck. I think it will be a good fit, we've been thinking about going for a long time but hadn't made the leap because the kids won't be with us, they will go to the daycare center there and I wasn't sure they were ready. We finally decided we'd just go to an evening service and if they don't make it through that's ok. Hopefully after a nap and with dinner in their tummies it won't be as traumatic as an early morning separation would be.

Ahh the life of a stay at home mom with homeschooled kids. Exciting stuff.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Unexpected Heartbreaks

A few days ago I thought maybe.

I didn't really think I was, but things were off.

So I took a test.

Anyone in the infertility world knows the cardinal rule:

Never take a blue dye.

Well, my husband bought it so I took it.

For those who haven't spent years staring at negative tests, that my friends is a faint second blue line.

Now knowing blue dyes should never be trusted I was skeptical. But I've also never actually encountered the dreaded blue shadow these tests give before.

With shaky hands and held breath, I took a trusty old FRER (once more, if you're not in the trenches of IF, that's First Response Early Result, the most sensitive and reliable brand out there).

Stark white negative.

I am not pregnant.

Which I had figured from the start. So when I started crying it surprised me.

When I cried myself to sleep, it also surprised me.

Sometimes even when you know it's not going to happen, it doesn't change the fact that you want it so bad.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Taking Advice

Throughout the years whenever I have faced a challenge or something going on I have had many friends quick to tell me, in essence, avoid whatever it is that causes you pain.

If my in laws are talking shit about me, avoid them and the people who would tell me about what they say. Tell Rob to not report back to me what they would say.

I've always wanted the truth, the facts, even when they hurt. I want to know what is being said, what people think, what is going on. I don't like being left in the dark.

But I didn't have facebook back on an hour yesterday before I was sobbing. Hard enough for my husband to come rushing over, look at the screen, and mutter an obscenity.

I tried again last night after our power finally came back on (someone hit a power line, it was in the 80's and the entire neighborhood lost power, today there are thunder storms that keep knocking the power out, we're baking!). Instantly I am met with 2 people complaining about their pregnancies.

Went to bed sobbing.

Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that no one should be ashamed of complaining about pregnancy. It is hard on the body. No matter what you went through to get that baby, you deserve to complain all you want.

That said, it still stings like a bitch.

To see someone wishing away, saying they wish they weren't, or just talking about how much they dislike it, stings. To hear "3 kids in 3 years is just too much" is a slap in the face. Because anyone of my babies that died would have given us 3 kids in 3 years, thanks to my having twins.

But I don't at all want to make people feel like they can't complain on their own facebook, or vent, or even just post exciting news, because of me.

So right now I am seriously considering permanently deleting my facebook.

I am beginning to realize that even if I get pregnant the pain of the last 2 years is not just going to go away. I have been holding on to that picture in my head of holding my newborn for the first time and all the pain melting away.

I have come to realize just how silly that is.

Having Jensen did not negate the pain and the fear from the previous miscarriages. Having the twins did not negate the pain and the fear from the previous miscarriages. How can I think another child would?

Now I know rainbows are very healing, because I have 3 beautiful rainbows. But I need to let go of the though process of a child being what heals my broken heart.

A friend and I were talking yesterday, both on an awful infertility journey. She told me that pregnancy posts are hardest for her, but not seeing newborn babies, and that facebook has become a better place for her since most of her friends have now given birth.

For me it's the opposite. While pregnancy posts can sting and reduce me to tears, nothing aches worse then seeing someone hold their baby. I may get pregnant again, but I don't know if I will ever again get to hold a newborn, or introduce them to their siblings.

And what is the point of facebook if not to spam it with our gorgeous children right?

So right now facebook is not a healthy place for me to be. I am not strong enough. And as hard as it is to admit that, I need to follow that sage advice and avoid the things that cause me pain. Like sane people should do.

I also don't have minutes on my phone, for sort of the same reason, only obviously about phone calls about pregnancy not posts. So if you need me, email is best.
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