Wednesday, July 30, 2014

You Were Due Today

I remember so vividly the first moment I knew you were there.

I called one of my best friends sobbing so hard I could barely speak. There's a second line! I'm pregnant! There is something there when for over a year there has been NOTHING!

Our first round of clomid. I'd had no hope it would work. After all I induced ovulation with Fertilaid and nothing happened. Why would this?

And then it did. And I was so happy. I told Rob I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. Silly daddy just said good, and didn't catch on.

I was going to surprise him by telling him his Christmas present came early. I was dreaming of Christmas announcements.

The line was getting darker every 12 hours. Surely this had to mean this was it.

And then, while debating telling daddy on date night, mommy started to bleed.

I told daddy by holding a pregnancy test and telling him I was bleeding.

We were sad.

By the next morning we knew you were gone. For reasons I won't get into here we strongly believe you had a twin with you, but we'll never know for sure. Just in case, I keep 2 of you in my prayers until I can get to Heaven and see for myself.

Then the ER, being told repeatedly I was not pregnant. Already people were denying your existence just because you left so soon. And then the blood work. No apologies, just yeah you were right, you were pregnant. But it's not viable.

I wish I was holding you today. Or about to be.

Instead my womb is empty, and you're gone.

I hope you're doing ok up in Heaven. I love you and I miss you Riley, and Quinn.

Monday, July 28, 2014

I Can't Forget Her

I read this last night, and it brought me to tears.

It was so like what we went through, although it took Rob until the nurse came in and told us the baby had passed. I often say ER doctor but the truth is we didn't see a doctor at all that night, and I should stop generalizing because that's an important detail. They did call my OB first and he told them to tell me, but he never came in.

The author of this posts writes that we, the women experiencing the heartbreak, will likely never remember the actions of the nurses.

That's not true.

Every night I see her face. Taren. I feel the warmth of her soft hand, holding mine, as she tells me my worst nightmare is happening. Again.

I remember her most of all from that night. I don't even remember what my own husband said, if he hugged me, though he must have. I remember his shocked face as the news sank in. He couldn't believe this was happening again.

Every night when I lay down to sleep she is there with her kindness and sad eyes, telling me my baby no longer has a heart beat. My baby has died.

It's a nightmare, but she's not. She's the one who looked into my eyes and spoke to me, asked ME what I thought was going on. Because to her I would not appear to be miscarrying. She is the one who didn't tell me to wait it out and talk to me doctor, she requested the ultrasound.

She held my hand when she delivered the news. She answered Rob when I couldn't speak through the tears. She stayed until she was sure I was ready to be alone.

I am always in that room with her at night. Holding her hand while I cry myself to sleep.

I remember her more clearly then anything else in those 2 days before the D&C.

And I am so thankful she was the one there, holding my hand.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Reality Is

I've been more public with my grief this time around.

I guess because I want people to know that this isn't something we just get over. This will hurt the rest of my life.

I still hesitate, right before hitting enter, every time I want, or need, to write something about my grief.

I worry that people think that because I didn't do this so publicly before, that those losses hurt me less.

The truth is, this loss made them all hurt worse.

There is this disconnect. Seeing some lines on a pregnancy test is just not the same as the reality of seeing your baby on an ultrasound screen. For years I had to think of it as a lost pregnancy, not a child dying.

Losing Josiah threw that all out the window though. Reminding me these losses are babies, our babies.

That's why this time has been harder, not because I loved those babies less, or those miscarriages hurt less, or I wanted those babies less. No, it's because this made me see just how real they were, how easily those pregnancies could have resulted in beautiful healthy children had my hormones only been in a good place.

This journey really has changed my whole life. And sometimes I do think it was for the better. Though mostly I wish I could just go back and not do the last 2+ years.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

From My Diary

Normally I consider this my diary. I record my life here.

But some thoughts and feelings are private. I need to write them down and get them out and be completely raw and angry and broken without worry of what the world would think.

Today I'd like to share a portion of something I wrote the other day.

I started on some new supplements over the last few months. They helped a lot with my energy level and depression. But the last few days had me feeling down again. I couldn't figure out why. It all came to a head last night. I started feeling like we were never going to get pregnant again and have a rainbow baby. I went to bed feeling like maybe we should just give up the thought of ever having another child and cried myself to sleep. I realized today that even without consciously thinking about it, my mind still remembered that this week marks 3 months. The 22nd marks 3 months since we were told our baby had no heartbeat, today marks 3 months since the D&C.

I partially woke when Rob left for work this morning, and drifted back to sleep after he left.

I dreamed.
I set a baby down in a bassinet, I think in a hospital. I sat down in a chair next to it and lean over the baby crying. Rob comes forward and asks me what is wrong. I pick her up, and hold her to me, her hand wrapped over my finger. I look up at him and say through tears, "I am so thankful we never gave up. Now we have her."
It was so real, like it really happened. I told Rob about it tonight, and asked if he thought it was a message from God. He sat a moment thinking, and then nodded his head. "It had to be. I mean for it to feel real, whenever my dreams feel real I feel like it's God telling me something. I really think it was."
I tell him, "I feel like this was God telling me either I trust Him and believe He can make things happen, or I don't and I let life and things stress me out and make me feel hopeless."
I don't know if it was a sign from God or a very vivid dream. All I know is how I feel.
When I imagine our rainbow baby I have always imagined a boy, and I never have dreams about a baby. I usually just dream about pregnancy and miscarriage if I have any reproductive related dreams. So to me it makes me wonder why my subconscious would choose a girl.
In any case I think if I ever do get pregnant and don't miscarry, it will be interesting to see what gender the baby ends up being.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I Am Saved

Wow. I don't even know what to say really.

Yesterday was a little crazy.

I was cleaning all day, trying to get all the kids bathed and presentable for Church. Rob kept telling me it wouldn't be formal but I just didn't want us to show up looking all frumpy. Which yes, is my normal.

The kids were being awesome. During snack time I asked if they wanted fruit or veggies and they asked for veggies, and at dinner I made chicken burgers, tots, and salad, and the kids all refused to eat everything but the salad. The boys ate their tots but Lainey only wanted salad. It took a lot of coaxing to get them to at least eat half their burger and get some protein in.

We got them dressed and we were running late! We showed up a few minutes after 6:30, which is when the service starts, and we still had to get them set up in the children's rooms.

I had thought the kids would be allowed to be together. I had been telling the kids about this night for days, that they would not be with mommy and daddy but we would be in the building and there would be other kids they could play with like at a playground. Jensen got it and was excited, the twins on the other hand were completely unprepared.

They took down our info, the kids info, and informed us the twins would be downstairs, but the Jensen would go upstairs.

First thing when we open the 2 year old's room door is a screaming baby tries to run out. Jensen waltzes right in but the twins are immediately nervous. Then a caregiver comes up and grabs Elaine right off, not even a word hello to her. I am in shock and Elaine breaks down and starts reaching for me. We tell Jensen this is not his room and he has to come out and Blake just loses it. They pull the twins in and close the door. Leaving both me and the twins very traumatized.

In my mind I was screaming WAIT! They've never been away from me, you can't just grab them and shut the door like that! I didn't want to stress them out anymore by showing them how upset I was. So I told Rob to go drop off Jensen in his classroom and I waited outside the door for 5 minutes.

When one of them noticed she encouraged me to go to service, telling me they would call for me if they couldn't calm the kids down. But I could still hear Blake crying and I didn't want to walk away.

I knew in my heart in the long run it would be good for us. We can't live in our little bubble of us forever, they need to learn to be without me and other kids. Especially as a home schooling family, they won't have daily excursions away from me.

I never saw Jensen's classroom. Rob dropped him off and picked him up while I rushed to the twins. I could not get Rob out of service fast enough. But I am skipping ahead.

We have been to several churches since living here, but only to events, only to kind of tour them. This was my first service.

After we lost the last baby I reached out to this Church and they instantly got back to us. But making the step to go was hard. I can't pinpoint why, but it was. We put it off, put it off, put it off.

Then Sunday when yet again we put it off, we said nope, Wednesday we are going for sure. Tuesday I went to check what time service started and saw what the message would be:

Why Do I Not Always Feel God's Presence?

It was something I had been thinking on a lot lately. Not where was God, but why could I not feel him?

But still, my stomach was in knots as we stepped in.

I had wanted a seat in the back, not to try to hide or anything, but because I was so sure with a drop off like that we'd be seeing the kids' name and number up on the screen and I would have to leave and get them.

We came in late so they were on their last song, the last half of it, and a woman instantly approached us and directed us to sit... front and center. It was the second row but yeah, we had to walk up through everyone and go sit in the front. I was like awesome, everyone will know it's my kids when their name shows up lol.

Now I won't go into tons of details because anyone who has been to church knows the general protocol and anyone who hasn't probably doesn't want to know, but let me just say there is a part at the end where they ask if anyone wants to confess their sins and be saved, either for the first time or again.

Once more, I have never been to Church before, so I have never done any confessions. Rob hasn't been in years. We were both nervous, but even as I thought I am not raising my hand, up it went. Once up I was like ok, second row, locking eyes with the Pastor, can't back out now lol.

So I stood. The entire congregation said the words as one, and I was saved.

And I cried a lot. Good job not putting on eye liner past self.

As it ended Rob meandered his way out and I just wanted to go check on the kids. I could not believe we made it through the hour service without being called.

It felt good. Rob could not believe I stood up. I am extremely shy. To stand up in front of all those people, in the second row, was not easy for me.

We got the kids and they informed Rob Jensen had had an issue with the puppets and they had had to remove him from the classroom because he started hysterically screaming when he saw them. That's my boy. He didn't tell me much other then that they watched vegetables (Veggie Tales) and he got cookies (animal crackers) and that he never wanted to go back lol.

The twins were a similar tale. They did stop crying but Blake refused to leave his spot right next to the door. The entire hour he waited for me and even refused the cookies, but he did accept the toy car. Elaine they said they were able to coax out with the cookies and she was fine. Yup, sounds like our Lainey.

We took them out for a real cookie after that, and told them how proud of them we were. Despite the rocky start we will be going again before making any permanent decisions. Like I said above, I think this will be good for all of us.

That night I dug into Inconceivable.

In 4 hours I was on page 245 and I had to put it down and go to bed. But that book, if you have never read it, is heartbreaking. I have mentioned Carolyn Savage here before. They went through 5 miscarriages for the duration of the book, and all those memories of that horrible April 22nd night came back up.

I ended up sobbing harder then I have in the weeks since we lost the baby. It was like it was that night all over again.

It woke Rob and he held me. He asked me what was wrong, I choked out, "They've all moved on, nobody cares. But his heart was beating, he was alive, he was real. And I miss him so much."

I wanted him to pray for me but I couldn't find the words to ask. He didn't need me to say it though, he start to pray for me. We prayed for all our babies in Heaven, for God to let them know we loved and missed them. Then he prayed for peace for me, and for me to be able to get some sleep and face tomorrow.

I love my husband. I could never doubt there was a God, when who else could have matched two more unlikely people so perfectly?
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