Thursday, July 10, 2014

Unexpected Heartbreaks

A few days ago I thought maybe.

I didn't really think I was, but things were off.

So I took a test.

Anyone in the infertility world knows the cardinal rule:

Never take a blue dye.

Well, my husband bought it so I took it.


For those who haven't spent years staring at negative tests, that my friends is a faint second blue line.

Now knowing blue dyes should never be trusted I was skeptical. But I've also never actually encountered the dreaded blue shadow these tests give before.

With shaky hands and held breath, I took a trusty old FRER (once more, if you're not in the trenches of IF, that's First Response Early Result, the most sensitive and reliable brand out there).

Stark white negative.

I am not pregnant.

Which I had figured from the start. So when I started crying it surprised me.

When I cried myself to sleep, it also surprised me.

Sometimes even when you know it's not going to happen, it doesn't change the fact that you want it so bad.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Taking Advice

Throughout the years whenever I have faced a challenge or something going on I have had many friends quick to tell me, in essence, avoid whatever it is that causes you pain.

If my in laws are talking shit about me, avoid them and the people who would tell me about what they say. Tell Rob to not report back to me what they would say.

I've always wanted the truth, the facts, even when they hurt. I want to know what is being said, what people think, what is going on. I don't like being left in the dark.

But I didn't have facebook back on an hour yesterday before I was sobbing. Hard enough for my husband to come rushing over, look at the screen, and mutter an obscenity.

I tried again last night after our power finally came back on (someone hit a power line, it was in the 80's and the entire neighborhood lost power, today there are thunder storms that keep knocking the power out, we're baking!). Instantly I am met with 2 people complaining about their pregnancies.

Went to bed sobbing.

Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that no one should be ashamed of complaining about pregnancy. It is hard on the body. No matter what you went through to get that baby, you deserve to complain all you want.

That said, it still stings like a bitch.

To see someone wishing away, saying they wish they weren't, or just talking about how much they dislike it, stings. To hear "3 kids in 3 years is just too much" is a slap in the face. Because anyone of my babies that died would have given us 3 kids in 3 years, thanks to my having twins.

But I don't at all want to make people feel like they can't complain on their own facebook, or vent, or even just post exciting news, because of me.

So right now I am seriously considering permanently deleting my facebook.

I am beginning to realize that even if I get pregnant the pain of the last 2 years is not just going to go away. I have been holding on to that picture in my head of holding my newborn for the first time and all the pain melting away.

I have come to realize just how silly that is.

Having Jensen did not negate the pain and the fear from the previous miscarriages. Having the twins did not negate the pain and the fear from the previous miscarriages. How can I think another child would?

Now I know rainbows are very healing, because I have 3 beautiful rainbows. But I need to let go of the though process of a child being what heals my broken heart.

A friend and I were talking yesterday, both on an awful infertility journey. She told me that pregnancy posts are hardest for her, but not seeing newborn babies, and that facebook has become a better place for her since most of her friends have now given birth.

For me it's the opposite. While pregnancy posts can sting and reduce me to tears, nothing aches worse then seeing someone hold their baby. I may get pregnant again, but I don't know if I will ever again get to hold a newborn, or introduce them to their siblings.

And what is the point of facebook if not to spam it with our gorgeous children right?

So right now facebook is not a healthy place for me to be. I am not strong enough. And as hard as it is to admit that, I need to follow that sage advice and avoid the things that cause me pain. Like sane people should do.

I also don't have minutes on my phone, for sort of the same reason, only obviously about phone calls about pregnancy not posts. So if you need me, email is best.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

An Eventful 4th

Have I mentioned that we are awful planners? And by we I mean Rob?

We originally planned to go see a fireworks show 30 minutes from the house. But then Rob comes home Thursday and tells me about one 15 minutes away. We all take a late nap to have energy to be out late.

Rob's parents end up dropping some food off they barbequed so we ate a quick dinner and got dressed. Naturally everyone's clothes and shoes went missing so we spent forever turning the house upside down. We leave with 10 minutes to go. We make it into the town on time and Rob waits until that minute to tell me he has no idea where the fireworks show is.

He wants to go to the one 30 minutes away now. I tell him it will likely be over by the time we get there. He tells me no it's supposed to go to midnight.

I tell him," That's one expensive show then." Me, ever with the sarcasm.

I give in since we have no idea where the show is in the town we are in, As we are driving down the roads the kids are getting so excited seeing fire works going off all over the place.

It was actually a pretty incredible drive. To our right was a huge lightning storms, to the left were tons of fire works, over head was clear skies. As each firework went off, a lightning strike would happen, looking like Mother Nature was trying to join in the celebration.

I wish I could have had the luck to get a picture of those moments when lightning and fireworks would pop at the same time, but no luck.

Still it was an absolutely incredible sight and wonderful drive.

As I suspected as soon as we got to the show and parked the very last fireworks went off. Which is all well and fine because the kids became terrified at the thought of leaving the car and did not want to get out. We turned around and drove to the store and picked up some 4th of July sugar cookies to make up for what a bust the fireworks show had been.

But I can't regret it too much, as I said the drive was incredible, and going home to watch a movie with the kids while we ate cookies was pretty special too.

Hope you all had a safe and happy Independence Day!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Rob's Wednesday Morning Adventure

I wasn't sure I was going to talk about this here. Just because it didn't directly involve me, but at the same time it's pretty amazing so I wanted to talk about it.

Wednesday morning Rob got up to get ready for work. I was tired so I didn't even open my eyes.

It was trash day and Rob needed to clean the cat box before work but as I heard him rushing around I figured he was running late and I decided I'd let him off the hook this morning and do it myself later, before the garbage truck came by. I went back to sleep.

Instead however Rob came out of the bathroom laughing and woke me up telling me how it was only 5 am and that he had thought that the clock said 5:45 am when it really said 4:45 am. So he told me since he'd been completely dressed already he just did the catbox. I asked if he was going to go back to bed.

He tells me, "No. I think I might see if my grandmother wants company."

Rob's grandmother gets up around 3-4 am, his mom doesn't arrive at her house until closer to 6 am, so in the morning she is alone.

I told him that sounded good, eager to go back to sleep and happy to know I'd get an extra hour of the bed all to myself. Best wife ever. ;)

He was taking the dirty bag of cat litter out and I told him to call his grandmother while he was outside. Most of our neighbors are too far away to hear a phone call, and the ones who might are already up after 5. Rob has a very loud phone speaking voice and I didn't want him to wake the kids.

He comes rushing back in to grab his keys shortly after however. In disbelief he tells me, "My grandmother fell!"

I jokingly responded, "And can't get up?"

I know that seems heartless but Rob is always pranking me with things like that, so I didn't think he was serious. Instead he responded YES! While rushing to get his things.

I said, "Seriously?! Thank God you called her!"

Rob then called his mom and she left to go meet him, though it would take her a few minutes longer to get there.

Turns out his grandmother, who has been in and out of the hospital frequently lately, fell on the floor. When she attempted to get up she smacked her head on her nightstand. She has bruises across her face and over her eye.

Later that day I asked Rob how long she'd been on the floor, and he said he wasn't sure but it was awhile. I asked why she hadn't called for help and he tells me, "She didn't want to wake anyone."

We've told her several times if she needs something to not hesitate to call us because we live just around the corner from her, but she was afraid of being an inconvenience.

It's just one of those moments where it's too much of a coincidence. Rob happens to wake early, happens to get completely dressed before realizing the time, happens to decided to visit his grandmother in the morning, something he hasn't done in a very long time (though he does stop in a few times a month for lunch). All when his grandmother was hurt and needed help and didn't want to call and ask.

Maybe it was just intuition, but part of me wonders if it wasn't something else. Someone else still looking after the family. Rob has told me a few times he still feels his uncle here. I'd like to think it was him.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Exploding Birds And Signs Of God

Sunday morning, early Sunday morning, we heard a loud boom and our power went out.

A thunderstorm was going on so we assumed it was just from the storm and it would come back on. We went back to sleep.

But by 9:30 it was almost 80* in our house and the power was still not on. My husband went over to the neighbor's house to ask if they had power. Our neighbor is our landlord's son but he mostly does the little fixer jobs landlords do for us instead of his dad. He told us he had power and he headed over to see what happened.

At first they thought we had blown all the fuses because absolutely nothing was happening. But then the neighbor directly behind us (Louisiana has no rhyme or reason to housing placement, so weird) popped her head out her door and asked if we had power...

So we called our electric company (a few times) and a few hours later they finally arrive to save us from boiling to death in the heat and humidity.

Turns out a bird ran straight into some important part of our power pole and exploded all over it. They told us they'd come back within the next 10 days to put a bird guard on it so it doesn't happen again. Poor bird. There were, I kid you not, parts and feathers for a 1 block radius. When they said exploded, they literally meant exploded.

It was too hot in the house, our poor a/c was just not cutting it, and by dinner time the thought of turning on the stove and cooking made us want to cry. So we loaded the kids up and ate out and got some groceries at Target before heading home.

On the way out of town I saw a cloud that had an opening in it. Through the opening was the silhouette of the profile of a baby. I know it sounds silly and it's ok if no one else thinks this way, but to me it felt like a sign, that God was up there holding my baby. As I looked at it I just got this feeling in my womb. Hard to explain but it just felt like confirmation, that it was my baby up there.

Then on the way home, literally pulling down the road that leads to our turn off, a cardinal flew in front of our windshield. Me and Rob both paused and looked at each other.

I don't know if I have talked about it here, maybe I have, who knows, but after our back to back miscarriages on clomid I saw a cardinal. It was the first time I had ever seen one in my life. I mentioned it on facebook and was told that some people believe the cardinal is a visitor from Heaven. I saw one days after losing the last baby, and Rob saw one the day his uncle died. Because of that we are buying this.

So it was kind of comforting. Especially since lately I've been having a hard time and having some nightmares about the most recent loss.

In other news today 2 kittens just opened their eyes! Mialyn and Rocky, the 2 first out. Rocky has more like 1 1/2 open currently lol. But Mialyn has 2 both mostly open. Sorry but I won't be showing pictures of that, don't want a bright flash on sensitive newly opened eyes.

I've been dying for them to open their eyes and get to the exploring and playing stage so I am excited for the next few weeks to come here as our tiny babies really start to explore their world.


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