Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The End

As I mentioned before I've been thinking a lot lately about ending this blog.

I think it's time.

I want to thank you to everyone whose read here over the years, or at least read the entire blog.

I never imagined all those years ago when I started this blog to document our move from Oregon to Louisiana, the cultural adjustment, my crazy in laws, that this is where I'd be.

That I'd not just move to Louisiana, but that within my first year and a half we'd have two babies, twins.

That we'd lose family, some by choice, some by God.

That we'd go through the unthinkable and lose 7 pregnancies, 8 babies, and have to try for 2 1/2 years.

That we'd find ourselves happier then we've ever been in our marriage, that we'd find true family here through a wonderful Church. That we'd find God, and find out He was there with us all along.

I have changed in so many ways I don't even recognize the girl I was when this all started.

I'm harder, less forgiving, wiser, scarred, and less trusting. But I'm also a believer in miracles, true miracles, I know how to love better, more deeply, and I'm in a better place in my life then I ever could have been without going through all I went through.

Thank you again, for letting the changes happen here. The good and the bad and the heart breaking and the uplifting.

Thank you for helping me become me.

I wish you all nothing but exactly the things that need to happen in your life to shape you into the person you're meant to be.

And that hopefully, HOPEFULLy, that person you become is a happier one.


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

If It Can, It Will

Oh boy. Today was a day. And my computer might very well die and lose all of this and the power will go out and that will just be the cherry on top.

It started with Rob, forgetting to set his alarm.


He has a new phone and he keeps changing ring tones and sleeping through alarms and he hasn't quite figured it all out yet.

I thought he had, so I turned off the back up alarm I keep on my phone.

He was late for work, telling me he probably will have to cancel his Christmas gift to me, an ultrasound (mine to him was finally agreeing we'd find out the gender). I tossed and turned all morning, upset because I had finally the night before started to get excited.

Finally at 9:30 he tells me yes, we're going. I finally sleep.

And hit the snooze button.

Several times.

I NEVER do that.

Then, because I am a genius, I wake up nauseated. Oh yes, I skipped my anti vomiting meds last night because they make me into a zombie and I can barely stay awake on them and I wanted to enjoy this ultrasound. Cue me not having the kids ready when Rob arrives.

We scramble to get them ready, suddenly my brand new $45 bra I've owned less then a week snaps and breaks (it's a nursing bra and it broke where the cup and strap connect in the front). I had noticed after the first time I washed it that it was frayed badly there but I didn't think it was bad enough to break!

We have no time to do anything about it so I grab my old one and we go. We're down the road when I remember I need to bring proof of pregnancy. Back we go. Then Rob forgets to stop at the bank (you know, so we can pay for this) and we have to turn around again.

Then it starts raining, and the Cajuns cannot drive in the rain. I'd get it if it rained here less but they have a several month long storm season and it rains and storms quite a bit. We got stuck behind people going 10 miles under the speed limit over and over and over.

Then we're right outside the ultrasound place when we're stopped by police, there has been a wreck. We're literally out front when the ultrasound place calls me to tell me it's 10 minutes after my appointment and my ultrasound tech just literally left the building.

So we turn around, disappointed and feeling REALLY bad we had a friend meet us there, also battling morning sickness, and it was all for nothing. We go to grab lunch and of course, accident on a bridge. We have to turn back several miles and double our time to get home.

We grab something to eat in the car and I go to take a drink and it all pours down my shirt. Like a good 1/4th of my large drink.

Rob tells me it's fine, no big deal, don't stress. He goes to take a drink of his and it also pours down him, not once but twice. He started yelling about suing and it would be laughable were we not both cold and miserable and running late to get him back to work.

I drop him off and the bag of kids food rips. By the time we got home our drive was flooded and I was in open toed shoes (no time for socks and real shoes after my bra broke). I have to walk through inches of water and I slip in the mud, sinking an entire foot into it. I walk into the kitchen and rush to get the kids their food because they are STARVING of course and I don't go fast enough and end up throwing up all over the kitchen floor, the bathroom sink, and finally made it to my goal. Where I was miserable (I threw up a ton the other day and actually injured my throat so this did NOT feel good).

I get myself together, finish getting the kids their drinks and they ask for water. You all know what happens now.

I pour ice cold water down myself, and I still have NO idea how, the cup had no leaks, the flow was centered over the middle of a wide cup. I don't even know.

Honestly, I was about ready to sit and cry. Or throw up again. Or both.

It's one of those days where you either just give up and call it a bad day and be miserable, or keep on taking the hits. I'm about to wrap my in laws Christmas presents, watch something mind numbing, and keep pressing on.

Maybe someone should come supervise me with the scissors.

Merry Christmas all, be safe!

Monday, December 15, 2014

Due In A Few Weeks?

Had a doctors appointment today. Rainbow is doing well, heart rate was 155.

First appointment where my doctor didn't rush me for an ultrasound over a minor concern. He actually seemed pretty positive we would have a "rest of the pregnancy" this time.

After looking like the nausea was leaving after the first trimester ended it's come back with a vengeance. Hyper emesis gravidarum again. They want me to try a new antinausea med, they're hoping whatever I am allergic to in Zofran isn't in this one.

Rob had his blood draw to be sure he is not also a carrier for the genetic condition we just found out I carry. We won't find out until next year though, they said the holidays usually slow it down.

I am still under my pre pregnancy weight by several pounds. BP remains good. I had more blood work today for things I was already tested and cleared for at the start of this pregnancy, but my OB didn't want to request it from my old OB.

Lucky me, after the first vial the woman at the lab got distracted and stabbed through my vein into my arm while reaching for another vial. She then made me move my arm with the needles still in it, and dug around to find the vein again, swearing in my ear the whole time. I can't straighten my arm out, and it's swollen and filled with blood around the area where she stuck me. Fun times.

Wasn't all about needles today though, I got my entertainment in too.

When I first walked into the exam room the nurse showing me in asked if we'd completed the nursery yet.

She thought I was due in a few weeks.

Not quite, though I can't say I blame her for thinking that...

Taken Sunday the 14th.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Thanksgiving And Beyond

The 2nd kind of overshadowed everything else in my life for a bit there. Yes I am beyond thankful to be pregnant right now. But that doesn't mean I don't still desperately wish my baby was in my arms instead of in Heaven. That our family wasn't still 5, but 6 for Christmas.

To make the 2nd even harder we got the results back of our genetic testing. I am a carrier for a very serious disorder that can cause permanent disability in our children. Blake already shows signs of having it but it may be as simple as he's a preemie and they are also prone to these kinds of issues (though not as severe). Rob is being tested on the 15th, and if he is a carrier all our kids need to be tested.

Other then that stress, things have been a roller coaster of good and bad. I made the bad mistake of Black Friday shopping. But first, Thanksgiving.

Normally Thanksgiving is drive through style at Rob's grandma's house. It's too small to hang out in so people go, pick up food, and go home. This year none of Rob's family is talking to each other and his grandma has been in the hospital a few months. We didn't think anything was going to be done but last minute Rob's mom decided she did indeed want to host Thanksgiving. I was originally going to make green bean casserole but I woke up Thanksgiving morning and could not stop throwing up.

Rob's family also usually serves Thanksgiving dinner at 10 am, so they waited a whole hour on us to arrive at 11 and I just wasn't up for a meal but I tried. It was a pleasant stay even if I was the worst company (I could barely get off the couch). The kids got up to as much trouble as they could, including sticking their fingers in the cake, getting into the construction tools, and in general ignoring me and Rob lol.

I took a total of 0 pictures of the kids and our family that day. Rob forgot my camera and also for those who don't know Rob's parents are living in a house they've been working on for 5 years. They finally have walls and a ceiling but there are no finishes, no flooring, and no doors. I try to never take pictures of their home or if I do, not publically show them because it is a touchy thing with them to have the house in the state it's in.

The Black Friday shopping was fine until Target. They had the most ridiculous maze system set up that blocked off some of the things we needed completely, and had us walking almost an hour just to get in and out of the store (we went for one item, a new tree). By the end of the 40 minute line to get out (which by the way almost all the lanes were empty, the maze took the longest part because they only let so many people out at a time regardless of how many items they had or how long it would take, and waited until all lanes were empty again before allowing more to go through) my back hurt so bad I was hunched over the cart barely moving while Rob applied counter pressure at the end. I was pretty sure I was about to punch the next smiling attendant who asked how we were doing in the line, I had to keep reminding myself it was my own fault for choosing to do this, not theirs lol. Ahh hormones.

The tree as worth it though, and we only made one return from our Black Friday loot (they didn't give us the sale price which we didn't notice at the time, and which was the only reason we bought the item, and wouldn't adjust it after so we just returned it - Toys R Us by the way, not Target).

It looks very festive and nice having the whole living room decorated. We got some great Hobby Lobby finds for 50% off this year, including that picture on the wall:

Unfortunately from all that shopping me and the kids managed to catch a cold. Shouldn't have been a big deal but every coughing fit left me throwing up. By today I've lost 7 lbs in 6 days, making me 15 lbs under my pre pregnancy weight. Baby doesn't even to seem to notice. They've started to kick so hard my belly shakes (they made sure daddy got to see it too by doing it right before he left for work! <3 again="" but="" cold="" don="" emesis="" from="" gravidarum="" have="" hoping="" hyper="" i="" it="" m="" mend="" on="" p="" pretending="" s="" stop="" t="" the="" think="" though="" time="" to="">
I don't know how much longer I will keep blogging to be honest. I just don't have a lot of time to sit down and do anything here lately. Hard to say goodbye to this place after all these years though. But I think that's where I am leaning.

Until then, I am another week pregnant today so I will leave you with my weekly bump picture!


Tuesday, December 2, 2014

You Should Have Been Here

You were due today.

When I found out about you I was in shock. No way, after all this time, did I just get pregnant on nothing but supplements.

But I did.

You were so strong baby. The test lines so dark.

Maybe if I had been stronger, been able to speak up more, I would have made my doctor take that second look at my progesterone results, and maybe you could have been saved.

When daddy and I saw your heart beat, daddy told me it was one of the best days of his life.

It flickered so fast, even though they told us your heart was beating so slow.

Thank you for holding on long enough for us to see that.

You should have been here, our family was supposed to be complete for Christmas. Your brother and sister turn 3 in a few days. You would have loved seeing your siblings run around crazy on a sugar high.

Today is hard baby, so hard. Because it should have been one of the happiest days of my life.

I miss you Josiah, more then words can express.

"Your absence has gone through me like a thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with it's color."
- W. S. Merwin

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